I share in tears with my teen clients who are worried about missing their parents when they go off to university. I share in tears with my teen clients who are in tears of grief living on their own, without their parents for the first time. I sit with my teen clients in tears over wishing for a closer conection with their parents, wishing their parent cared more or put in more time and attention (I sit with adult children on the same topics). I sit with my teen clients in tears over time they used to get with their parents as a child, but not so much now as a teen. I get just as many tears from parents.
Teens may spend most of their time in their room, they may act annoyed, disgusted, and roll their eyes. My teens do this and I think it means ‘leave me alone’ (especially when they say ‘leave me alone’). On the one hand, it might mean leave them alone for now. On the other hand, my adolescent clients teach me every day that they need to feel loved and that they desperately need to know we like and love them them and want them in our lives! They want connection with parents. They want to feel understood and known.
Figuring out how our teens feel loved by us can be tricky, especially when they don’t tell us and don’t act like they want it, but my clients have taught me: don’t stop. Guess. Listen (don’t defend). Ask. Try. Over and over and over. I have also found with my teens that when I go to therapy with them, the conversations are different and I hear things in a more helpful way than I may at home.
