I have two favourite books on grief. One of them is Crafting Grief by Lorraine Hedke and John Winslade. In Western culture, many ideas exist regarding how we are “supposed” to grieve which leads people into my office with ideas of not being able to move on, not being able to let go, not coping well, and shame.
I attended a conference last fall where a therapist gave a keynote on grief. She began to tell a story about a man who, once he realized he was going to die, asked his disciples to share his story far and wide, including writing a book (yes, she was talking about Jesus and the Bible).
She followed with a thought-provoking presentation on dominant ideas of what are appropriate and inappropriate ways of grieving in Western culture. Are we judged if we go out on date nights with our loved on who is no longer phyically on this earth? Or for setting a place at the table for them or for talking with them or for joining a Dungeons and Dragons group they were a part of or riding their favourite bike path to work? During her presentation, this therapist also shared all the ways she supports families who have lost children, in holding onto and keeping their children alive, not only in their lives, but in their extended families, friend groups, and communities.
With my clients, we craft grief. Our loved one may no longer have a physical presence on this earth, but they will live with us always. How do we want to continue to be in relationship with them? We get to choose.
